originally published in 2022

Dear SQR,

I’m a big guy. Well over six foot too. Whenever I get into an elevator with people, especially jumpy, nervous white women, a nasty atmosphere kicks in. I’m tired of this. Can you give me some advice?  

Tall Big, and Pissed Off With Other People’s Stupid Assumptions.

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 Dear Tall & Pissed Off  

I'm only too happy to help. I don’t want you walking around being scared your own shadow will scare others. Take heart. You live in Britain. Most people are cool around Big guys. Many people are even married to them. And tons more have big guys like yourself as close friends and loved colleagues. The great majority of people out there are secure, balanced, and way, way too busy trying to hold onto their Jobs, keeping their kids off drugs, fighting to pay the rent and looking for affordable summer holidays to even notice you.

For this who do react poorly to your looming presence here’s 12 tried and trusted methods to avoid scaring nervous souls in small elevators:

1.      When waiting for an elevator to arrive make sure you stand a good two metres back from the doors before they open.

2.      Smile, smile smile. Focus on not looking moody, irritated, depressed or angry about anything at all. (Remember, you are tall and big, and don’t have the right to be moody or irritated about anything.)

3.      Keep your hands out of your pockets so new arrivals can see you’re not holding a knife or masturbating in public.

4.      Fake a slight slump to minimise your height.

5.      Even if you don’t have anyone to speak to, make a fake phone call and pretend to be laughing and joking on the phone.

6.      Talk loudly into your phone about being on an important errand for your boss and appeared excited about a possible promotion. (Do this even if you are unemployed.)

7.      Express your frustration about having to choose between two universities; one near to your parents and one too far away from your best friends.

8.     Even if you’ve never met your father, talk about shopping for a good present for Father’s Day; this way you will look like a good son who is part of a functional black family that lives under the same roof.

9.   Come over all giddy and excited about whatever is in the nervous person’s shopping bag; act as if you love nothing better to do than shop and it’s clear fate has brought you together for years and years of endless guilt-free shopping.

10.   Wear dark glasses and carry a white stick.

11.   Pretend to be speaking French. A good all-purpose French accent will not be as threatening as a working class London accent.

12.  Carry a Taser with you at all times. If the nervous person panics and screams for the police, save yourself from being arrested or shot by Tasering yourself.

Free bonus advice:  Perhaps you should also use your phone to film your time in the elevator just in case you are accused of inappropriate behaviour such as sucking too loudly upon your asthma pump or threatening people with one of the needles you use to inject your insulin. 

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