The 12 Super-Powers of Donald Trump

Originally published early 2018

1: A useful super-power

Superman can fly and serves humanity.

Donald Trump’s greatest super-power is that he believes he can do anything he wants: Trump has the combined super-strength of the Presidency, Congress, the Senate, a barrage of newly elected Republican Governors, the Murdoch media empire, the Evangelical Christian far-right and the power and reach of the Russian state. Trump is quickly proving the power to do what you can, because you can, makes you dangerous to yourself and others.  

 2. Superheroes have more than one identity.

The mild-mannered Peter Parker is the insolent, quip-addicted Spiderman.

During the 2016 election campaign Trump acted like an unrestrained bigot who despised fancy out-of-towners who spoke more than one language, and was happy to see liberal traitors who disagreed with him booed or punched into silence - though to be fair to him this abuse also included Republicans.  The likelihood that Trump possesses a third more enlightened, more mature identity is diminishing by the week. Trump’s continued poor use of Twitter and his ill-tempered accusations about Obama appear to indicate the boorish, thin-skinned Trump is the dominant personality or, at the very least, the personality he’s most comfortable with.

3. F&*k you money.

Marvel and DC’s biggest heroes – Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark – are both billionaire vigilantes who use their money and resources to make the world a better place.

Trump’s personal wealth insulated him from any potential blowback from the Republican establishment when he mounted his aggressive takeover of the Republican Party. Money ensured he didn’t become overly dependent on any potential backers or owe any of these backers too much bang for their buck.  He also proved he was the most powerful President-elect in history by refusing to take a salary; this was his way of saying the American public don't own him and no one is going to control him, an obvious form of madness since the whole point of a democratically elected president is that he answers to the very people who elected him. 

4: A distinctive costume.

Superman has a big “S” on his chest.  The "S" is understood by everyone around the world to be a symbol of hope.  

Trump wears the same type of suit every day, has the easily identifiable blonde quiff, and the silly red hat that can be spotted from three miles away. The blondness of his blonde quiff is his greatest decorative flourish. Trump's "bland blondness" gets him into every whites only social club in the country without ever having to pretend to possesses any intellectual gravitas, emotional depth, or philosophical seriousness usually associated with brunettes such as Nixon, Reagan, and, uh Obama. Blondes and would- be blondes, and folks who want their spouses and kids to be spouses, watch Trump revelling in his own ethnic blondness and recognise his tribal glory for what it is.

5. All superheroes have one crippling weakness.

Superman is vulnerable to kryptonite. The Martian Manhunter is vulnerable to fire. The Green Lantern’s power ring is powerless against yellow. These weaknesses prevent superheroes from believing they are god-like figures who can do anything. Strangely enough these weaknesses actually make these superheroes stronger.

Trump has been completely enslaved by his own vanity. Observers are waiting for Trump to favourably compare the size of his penis with Putin, to cast idiotic aspersions on the size of Chinese leader’s testicles, brag endlessly about the quality of his recent smooth circumcision with Netanayahu, dare African leaders to drop their pants in public, and shout to the heavens about his quality harems to any Saudi Prince who strays across the White House lawn. Trump has shown he will immediately throw his closest colleagues under the bus to protect his own vanity, and this glaring weakness appears to be the most likely cause of his eventual undoing. 

6. Trump’s stratospherically unreal campaign promises.

Superheroes are rarely invincible; they stay alive by never overestimating their powers and making unreasonable promises they can't deliver on. 

Superman can stop a single bullet, but he can't cure cancer, eradicate mass poverty or reverse global warming all by himself; because he can’t do everything by himself Superman tries to lead humanity and not rule over everyone. From the moment he took the role of President and all the state powers that came with this position, Trump acted as if he had been elected to remake the world within his own image, and by force if necessary. Trump’s woeful missteps on immigration and his struggles with Obama Care have already revealed a President who appears to be stumbling over his own florid red cape. He won’t repeal and replace Obama Care, hasn’t locked up Hillary Clinton, and the wall, if and when it comes, will be much less grand than the expansive, all-encompassing monster he promised. Trump’s opponents are already rubbing their hands at the prospect of planting every single non-delivery item about Trump’s neck like a noose and hanging him with it. His only hope of getting out of his self-inflicted mess is to start to play the everyman president, not the incomparable president from outer space who can break the laws of political physics.

7: The ideological purity of Trump’s supporters.

The best super-villains really do hate their enemies with a passion.

Trump is eager to soften up a few of his more outlandish policies and become the statesmanlike, wise, all inclusive president of the entire US; and quickly widen his support base before he comes up against a wiser, sassier, more traditional opponent in the next presidential race. Unfortunately, he’s about to find out the hard way that his supporters won’t let him make this shift. The true believers amongst his energized flock will insist on him implementing hardcore policies that even Trump thinks are nuts: public floggings for women who have tried to have abortions; the reintroduction of racially segregated schools; the banning of gays from the military and all public institutions; the repatriation of blacks who wish to return to Africa.  Trump may well be forced to take a stand against this right-wing wish list and quickly be denounced as yet another over educated sell out: a right-wing Barack Obama with a dodgy blonde weave.

8: The right-wing can always go w-a-a-y further to the right.

Just when you’ve beaten off Two-Face along comes the Joker.

Just as Trump stole Ted Cruz’s brand of being the ultimate outsider, a younger even “angrier” version of Trump will brand the Great Outsider as someone who has sold out to the establishment. After claiming Trump’s revolutionary mantle, this new hero will gladly beat Trump to death with his own rhetoric. Trump has in effect delivered a road map for every hungry, ambitious conservative wanna-be super-villain out there to beat him up.

9: All great Superheroes have great names.

A punchy, short, evocative name looks great on the cover.

Wolverine

Mister Fantastic

Midnighter

Invincible

Trump's super-hero name “The Blonde Blitzkrieg" doesn’t quite cut it.

10. A great partner is essential for all superheroes.

Captain America’s sidekick the Falcon would die for him.

Mike Pence chats directly with God everyday. He listens, understands, and knows exactly why God put him on this earth. Mike Pence knows he has been sent by God to replace Donald J Trump at some righteously preordained moment. Mike Pence is not a violent man and prays six times a day (when he’s tired) for Trump to be dragged down by an old business scandal, have a cholesterol induced heart attack, be compromised by an old sex tape, or simply be bumped off by a “deranged” lone gunman who has been trained in secret by Reince Priebus.  Mike Pence is however a pragmatist who understands a true believer has to do what any true believer has to do, when he’s been told to do it. At the first sign of weakness on Trump’s part, Pence will happily play the part of Brutus to Trump's Caesar.

11. Twitter.

Superheroes can always humiliate their opponents with a smart put down.

Twitter excels when the hand that types possesses a sharp, witty, light touch. Twitter was not designed to provide an outlet for a seething, vengeful, sleep deprived president who regards Twitter as a digital form of stoning his opponents to death.

12. Immortality.

All super-heroes try to accept their passing with dignity and leave a good legacy.

President Trump is obsessed with outperforming every other president who was foolish enough to precede him. He wants to achieve immortality by being recognised as the greatest ever president of the United States and, arguably, the greatest leader of any nation that ever existed in history. Forget legacy. Trump won’t rest until everyone acknowledges him as the best while he’s still alive, and woe betide anyone who tries to deprive the people of benefiting from his greatness. Legacy? That’s for losers! He’s going to win and take his bows now!

Samuel Johnson samjhere@gmail.com